The life of a triathlete is full of glitz and glamour – adoring fans, huge prize purses and shiny equipment (alright, I might have made some of that up). In truth the life of a triathlete is a strange existence with all sorts of perks and quirks, many of which are truly unexpected. Case in point: I’m 22 and yet my mom was able to buy me a pair of pyjamas from Kidzgear, for 13 to 14 year olds…which fit perfectly (they were a quarter the price of adult pyjamas – oh the joys of being lean [a much better word to insert than “small” or “scrawny”]). I hope you can relate to at least a few of these, either because you see them in yourself or in someone close to you.
Swim
When I picture myself swimming I look like one of those guys at the Olympics, effortlessly gliding through the water, a child of the sea. I have zen-like focus: monitoring how my hand enters the water, how I follow through and what my legs are doing. In reality I make comparatively little forward progress and the only zen-like focus I display is spending the entire session trying not to pee in the pool (probably as a result of having 5 cups of tea too many that morning – some days the only liquid I get in is as a result of drinking tea).
Life at the swimming pool is a life of extremes. Either I am patiently waiting for a lane or I am charging through the set with military precision in an attempt to leave gym before my free parking runs out. The tight timelines sees me regularly dashing out of the gym scantily clad in my costume with bags flailing behind as I race towards the ticket machine. Surely this is the 5th discipline of triathlon after nutrition?
Bike
The cycling aspect of triathlons is no less fraught with interesting situations. For me personally, the worst part is avoiding the piercing stares of “real cyclists” who tell me off for not shaving my legs – I am incredibly lazy in this department. Fortunately, while I may be scrawny, it is nothing compared to a cyclist, so if it ever came down to a brawl I would back myself (though when confronted with a larger cyclist I would as least back myself to be able to run faster than him/her).
In case you were wondering the real reason we all cycle, I’ll tell you: calves. All cyclists and triathletes are locked into the glorious pursuit of the perfect calves. It explains the cyclist sock length, halfway up the calf, accentuating what may or may not be there. It explains why most cyclists shave their pistons (and perhaps why I don’t). I’ll quit this sport when I have something more than Vienna sausages for legs.
Run
If there is one golden rule for running it’s this: always go to the bathroom before you run. It doesn’t matter if you have to sit there for half an hour, the alternative is visiting a public toilet along the way, or in extreme cases, referring to the wisdom of my old cricket coach: “every tree is a lava-tree.” If you ever need a topic of discussion with someone involved in running try this, for every single runner has a story which they’ll repeat with a sort of embarrassed fondness.
I’m not sure if it’s just me, but whenever I go running I find rivers of sweat pouring down me. Just the other day I was stopped at a traffic light, with the windows open in an attempt to clear the air of the pungent smell of sweat. Anyway, someone pulled up and piped out: “did you go swimming?” Unfortunately I had only returned from a light jog. That much sweat.
Other bits and pieces
Triathlon can only be done successfully if it becomes part of your life style. As a result, the weird and wonderful aspects of the sport creep into all sorts of unexpected places. Perhaps not so unexpected, but nevertheless unusual is laundry. I do laundry at least 3 times as often as a normal person. The washing contains maybe one shirt and a pair of shorts, but otherwise is exclusively sport’s related. At least it doesn’t take long to dry.
Considered the 4th discipline of triathlon, nutrition is extremely important to triathlon performance. I find it difficult to eat enough to sustain all the activity I do. As a result, I lean heavily on a few calorie dense foods. My particular favourite is peanut butter. I eat a lot of peanut butter. When I say “a lot”, I need you to understand the severity of the situation. I eat 2 of those 400g jars every single week, sometimes even more than that. Surely I can’t be the only one? In any case I am certain every triathlete consumes something in copious, worrying amounts.
Maybe triathlon isn’t full of glitz and glamour (well at least not in the traditional sense), but there is no other sport I would rather be doing. I’ve got some incredible stories and memories to last a lifetime. Dive in!
Happy training,
Mike
Mike Ross 